12 moments in the life of a swim teacher

ONE. You teach a class of preschool children. After a week of bribing, begging, silly songs, and feigning that you actually see little fish swimming in the water that they must say hello too... they finally begin to get their noses in the water! This is a great day... but it's also the day that you unknowingly become an expert on all things boogers. Seriously... you should see the strings. And you, being the only "parent figure" in the water with the child gets to take care of it... and there are no tissues on hand.

TWO. When children get into the water... they usually swallow it. Which is quite gross considering the alterations that pool water undergoes (just wait till number 5) but that's not what we're focused on here. After consuming their quota of the stuff, they start to do the natural thing... burp. Now, normally I'm not one to scoff at the occasional belch...it's a natural thing after all. But picture this:

Johnny shows you a very effort full attempt at something that involves lots of flailing. It's loud so you get close to Johnny's face so you can hear him. He comes up for air and burps, which is fine until you realize that you are now trapped in a cloud of whatever it is the child ate for lunch. On this particular day, the cloud is so thick that you can actually identify exactly what Johnny had for lunch that day...down to the flavor of kool-aid. After you gag of course.

This happens more than you may think. So, while I never imagined that I would ever attain this kind of a skill... after 7 years of teaching I can now say that I am a master when it comes to deciphering macaroni and cheese from fish sticks, peanut butter sandwiches from ham sandwiches, hot dogs from chicken nuggets, and even kool-aid from otter pops all from one unfortunate sniff of a burp. I hope this talent comes in handy one day. But in the mean time... lets just say that there's a reason we start lessons by teaching the kiddlets to blow the water OUT of their mouth every time they put their face in the water.

THREE. Every time you sweat, you smell like chlorine. Every time you get in the shower, you smell chlorine. Every time you do anything with anyone anywhere, you smell like chlorine. But, I'm convinced I don't get as many mosquito bites as a result of the stench.

FOUR. A child in your class pukes in the pool. No one saw it coming, but everyone can see it now. Since the pool now has to be sanitized, you and the rest of the pool full of children must seek refuge inside. And for the entertainment...? Longfellow's WHALE Tales of course! Even the rookiest of swim teachers finds it hard to forget Wilbert the whale's ever so catchy safety phrases.

"Be cool, Follow the Rules"

"Look before you leap"

"Don't just pack it wear your jacket!"

"Think so you don't sink!"

It truly is a celebrated day when we get to review our water safety skill with Senior Longfellow. Last year the Red Cross decided that VHS's were old news, so they made a new one... it's just as classy. However, I have reason to believe that the film is quite racist. So, here's a link to some clips of the old movie which sadly was in use until 2010. Get Excited.

http://youtu.be/S5fptgS14OQ

FIVE. You pee in the pool. Sorry... there's just not enough time for you to go in between your classes! What? ...like you've never done it.

SIX. You wake up to find that it's 56 degrees outside and overcast. You call the pool and sure enough... they're still holding lessons. You pray that none of your students will com because even if only one comes, you still have to get into the water. You also pray that the children will be late so you can spend as little time in the water as possible but as soon as you arrive you see a good line up of kids ready and waiting for their teacher. Not all of your kids come to class because... come on... it's 56 degrees outside. But you as soon as you see the children that are in attendance, you feel impressed with their fortitude and you gain enough courage to get into the water first. When you actually get into the water you find another surprise... the lifeguards weren't able to pull the covers the night before so now the water is well below luke warm.

After about half of the class, all of the children's lips are blue and you know the only thing that will help them is their towel and some dry clothes. But... the parents paid for the lesson, and a lesson they will get. You beg, you plead, you remain annoyingly optimistic and energetic, and still the kids end up crying and never ever wanting to trust you again. You keep teaching lesson after lesson even though after about the second one your pinkie toe went numb.

Finally, all of your lessons are done, you don't even take the time to gather your things... you book it straight for the hot tub. It stings when you get in, but with that sting comes the assurance that you can still feel all of your appendages. Following that relief is one of the greatest showers you've ever had and a warm pair of sweats straight from the dryer.

SEVEN. You get a better tan than the lifeguards. Not to mention some killer tan lines... that are barely hidden by your wedding dress.

EIGHT. You get sunburns. You reapply your sunscreen multiple times, and you still get a sunburn. The sunburns don't show after a while... but you still feel them.

NINE. You have a student with an accent, and you discover that accents make the child even more despicably cute. And THEN, they actually put their face in the water.

TEN. One of your kids says something that makes you laugh so hard that you pee. This usually happens on a daily basis.

ELEVEN. One of your students decides to go off of the diving board (he was probably bribed by his parents). He gets onto the board, freezes, and then you see the look of sheer terror on his face. He cries. You go up to reassure him. You wait underneath the board to catch him. He gets to scared and he climbs down. After some significant encouragement, he gets back up onto the board, but only if you promise to catch him the second he hits the water. He gets up on the board. He counts to three, and you see in his eyes something that is beyond terror... seriously you'd think that he was jumping right into the arms of Satan himself. He jumps. You catch him. And after he realizes that he's still alive, he lights up as if he'd just received an Olympic medal. This look trumped when he sees his parents on the side cheering for him.

TWELVE. It's the last day of the session and one of your students gives you this.

Long story short... there's a reason we've done this for seven years.